They really go out.  Last night during the Patriots Important and exciting playoff game all the electricty on my street went out , down the street their was energy but on my street nothing, Just at the important part of the game. This happens often here in the 3rd world but has not happened in almost a month and could not have come at a worse Time. For those that do not know me well, I am a Huge Boston Sports fan and it is actually one of the few times where I can totally escape my problems and get excited and interested in something without distractions.  I of course went into Meltdown mode when this happened.. I was pacing, shaking and overall a mess. I kept wondering what was happening in the game that I could not see... I started an angry outburst.. Not at any one person but just in general. I then said to Leo That I wanted to go to the Internet and see the score.. She was upset by that, saying that the game was more important than her and she needed me there, I know it was dark and all but she grew up with these blackouts.. I went into a crying spell and laid on floor just in a distraught state... I went to the cyber cafe and checked the score and felt relieved that The Patriots were winning Still.. then went back home and just at end of game the Lights came back on,¨The Pats won which made me happy although the expierience was not the same as all the drama that was involved.  Leo would not speak as that is what she does when she gets down , She for the first time saw a complete meltdown and she could not understand that it was all over a game.. Of course the true reason for my meltdown was not because of the game.. I cannot truly say what it was for or because of but I do know that there are certain things that are Important to me and take me away from the Chaos of my Life and the Pats and Sox have always been some of those things.. They provide Hope, inspiration, and feels like I am part of something, something real.. which helps when not much feels real in myself or Life. I later said that I was leaving her and I could not deal, then two seconds later retracted that statement.. not sure where I want to go just like a fast bouncing ball.  Of course this type of reaction is not Normal but it is all that I know.. I have acted this way before when I could not get my way.. It creates this feeling inside of me that I am bad and deserve this punishment.. Then we people do not talk to me and ignore me I feel like I am even more bad.  So when something external happens like the lights going out  Then the small glimmer of a light inside me goes out and hell breaks loose.. Things become utterly Chaotic and disrupted and I feel like I am on automatic Pilot and out of control.. Leo tells me just think positive, tell yourself That you love yourself and everything will be OK, If It were only that easy I say.. of course I have responsibility for my actions but She does not get that I have no control over how I feel.. feelings are feelings and we can pick and choose which we want and which we do not want.. doesen"t work that way I am afraid.  Especially for someone with problems such as I have where the emotions are so disregulated and all over the place.. One often has no idea where to start to process their feelings... Most people who do not have Psych. training or have the illness themselves do not understand that.. They think that The "I am OK " attitude will fix everything, But what they do not understand and what I was in denial of for far too many years is that.. There is no quick fix for BPD or the other problems I and those like me face..It is a process that I am convinved can only be made better with support and Treatment.

So, Today we are having a baby shower for her sister and there are a lot of people over the house which makes me so nervous and out of myself.. I will try to relax and watch the other Football game that is on to see who my Pats play next and also play with the Kids.. the only people I can generally tolerate.

R.C