Living on the Border !!! - DO WHATEVER IT TAKES !- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - DO WHATEVER IT TAKES !- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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1/14/2008 - DO WHATEVER IT TAKES !

I heard Dr Phil say once to these two teen addicts.. "I will do whatever it takes to save your Life " and I listened to that same clip over and over again until It sunk in.. I have to do whatever it takes to save my life. I have to focus on my Soberiety and stay clean and sober or else I will die from my addictions. I say this as I go to San Francisco soon which is the place where my addiction to Crystal Meth nearly destroyed me and I know that I am not cured.. and I have not said my goodbyes to that drug or lifestyle.. I know that I will remember all of the places and situations that I used in once I step off that plane and it is vital that I have myself right and do not fall as if I do I know that the liklihood that I will die as my health is not exactly in a great place and one more hit of that awful drug could kill me and although Life is painful for me I am a fighter and do not want to die.. I need to let go of the glamour and idolizing that I do of that drug even eight months after my last use. I listen to that clip on youtube over and over as I stated previously and It sends chills up and down my back as I know that I almost died many times last year and in 2006 and that this is a life and death battle that I must be vigilant at to succeed. I never got treatment for my drug problem.. I did but I did not want it, I did not see the seriousness of what this meant, Recovery is neccassary to survive. Things just do not go away, you have to work at them and not let anything get in your way. There are two things that stand in my way of staying clean and sober and they are one.. letting go of how great I feel when I am having sex with men and using Meth and how I connect the two and two being that If I do not deal with what is going on inside (meaning my mental illness) then I will continue to use as that is what draws me to the drugs to begin with.. The impulsive nature of who I am and my actions has been a major stumbling block in my recovery.. I feel stress and emptiness and just want to feel something so I use any excuse to pick up and that is what will be my downfall.. Will power does not work for any addict but especially for the Borderline addict.. You cannot treat one and leave the other to fester.. you (meaning I ) have to treat them together as they feed off of each other.. my mental illness and addictions go hand and hand and whenever things get hard I reach for a drug, drink, or anything to fix the problem.. and that is because I do not have the right treatment.. Just think of it this way. I could have great sex once again and escape for a day or two if I got high but if I play the tape and remember the sequence of things that happen when I use then I know that it will end in disaster..I know this, I know that it is bad for me and helps nothing but I am an impulsive addict with no self control.. not my fault just how it is.. so I have to learn self control and get help while I am there and stay close to sober friends.. Doing whatever it takes means just that.. Being steadfast and doing everything that I can to survive.. and not only survive but Prosper. The price I have paid and will pay again if I use is not worth what I will get out of the Temporary escape .. Look at Costa Rica.. I had an unfortunate thing happen to me, a stressful event that was not my fault but I added to that by picking up.. Did it make things better ?? No, It just made me realize what I already knew.. that I am an addict and I use to fix things that cannot be fixed by such means... I just have to constantly remind myself that I am sick and I must do Whatever I have to in order to get Better.. I must let go of the Past and my Love affair with The Drug Lifestyle or It will Let Go of Me. Treatment does not happen overnight but I have to stick with it and have it be my number one Priority..

R.C