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Entry 1 of 335
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1/14/2008
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Where I am at Today..
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I just wrote about how I must put staying clean and sober as my focus and that is what I have been thinking about most, not in a obsessive way but in a careful thought out way. I am scared of relapsing but also excited about the opportunity to be involved in some kind of treatment again.. even if It is just going to meetings for a few days and seeing sober friends. Otherwise, I had trouble sleeping last night as I have an ear infection as well as my normal health problems but I had an overall good day yesterday.. did not have a break down (although this morning I had anxiety attack when Leo asked me to help her do something) and got through the day OK, I stayed away from the adults and just played with the kids and hung around the house during the shower.. I am a big kid anyway. It was a nice day.. made me feel good to hold Leo"s friend"s baby boy.. he is so cute and reminds me of my son Avery when he was a baby .. I hope that when we have a baby he is like Brian ( the baby yesterday ) ... Otherwise Just relaxed last night and no explosions or need for one although as I tried to sleep I had lots of racing thoughts.. It is good though that I was able to get outside of myself for awhile and not be so wrapped up in my emotions. Then today I fed this Dog who is homeless (like all the dogs here ) and he was so sad but I did what I could to help and that makes me feel good. At the moment I am feeling anxiety and stress, like my emotions are infected and not my ear.. I think I feel this way because I have to go home soon and be with Leo.. I feel at ease and relaxed when I am here at the Net writing.. It is when I have to go home I stress out... I plan to call my old Psych Dr later and leave a message telling him that I am going to SF soon and would like to see Him if possible... So there it is.. I am not perfect.. I have ups and downs but there are some little joys in my life and that does break up the Chaos and madness that Lives inside me some. I cannot expect people who do not suffer from what I do to understand, I just ask them to Try and not Fault me for how I feel or sometimes act.. It is a process and I think that I do pretty well for someone with No meds really and No treatment for such a Complicated Illness.. I do my Best with what I have. R.C. |
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