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Entry 1 of 336
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1/15/2008
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Brief note on My World Today !
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Not much to report today, Keeping it brief here as I am writing on a Meth recovery site to get some support for my cravings and how I can let go of the love affair I have with that drug and lifestyle some eight months after using it for last time. I am walking back into the pit of fire soon (sf, ca) where Meth and homelessness consumed me and nearly killed me so need all of the support I can get. I am feeling up and down as last night I was totally down which is uncommon for me.. really anxious and sad. I feel all alone although I am surrounded by my girl and her family.. I feel like I want to isolate though.. and Like I want to escape.. escape just what I do not know. Leo and I are going to a movie , a comedy-just to relax and spend some time together.. I am trying to make the relationship work although sometimes wonder if I just want to be on my own .. almost cannot deal with being with someone all the time.. Although I crave it so much when I am alone.. I have hard enough time dealing with my own emotions and issues and add another person to the mix and Oh, Boy does the madness intensify. I called my Psych Doc last night and left him a message.. afraid to talk to him directly I guess, The last time I talked with him in June he advised me not to stop treatment which I did impulsivly as I hopped a flight overseas.. I hope I can see him or someone soon as I often feel like I am coming apart at the seams.. I need help and long term I believe as If I do not get back in treatment I am afraid I will return to my old and destructive ways... I am just hanging on right now.. I mean I like it here but I cannot control my emotional outbursts and breakdowns.. I need help.. people that know what I am going through.. Leo loves me but just does not get my Disease. She does not think that it is chemical or something that I cannot control.. If there was a switch, I would gladly turn it off ! R.C. |
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