Leo yesterday mentioned something to me.. she said I have this Circle that only I am in and I leave out opportunities for change and Positivity. This struck home as I after thinking about it for about an hour or so.. Realized that I do this for sure.. she asked why I stay in the circle and my response was that I feel safe in the circle.. nobody can hurt me. She asked if she was in the circle and I said no... you are in a different circle and I come to see you when I do not feel in danger or vulnurble. My Circle is a place that I do not have to have responsibility.. I can go around and round in it and nobody can come in and hurt me.. I do not have to take risks.. I can just stay there and wallow in my sorrow. I can have everything in this circle.. I choose what comes in and what goes out.. sort of.  I understand though that a sucessful life is not lived in a circle, box, or any other form of confinment and safety. Life is  a mix of god and bad and all the stuff inbetween... Life is an unsure journey with often no clear destination. This makes me very uncomfortable and feeling unsafe. I created this circle to kep me safe and protected but in fact it often creats more pain as I fel trapped in there.. Feel like I cannot breath as my Circle has no windows or way out.. just up and down I go.. when the heat gets to much at the bottom I float to the Top and when the bottom gets too cold I float to the top but eventually the circle gets smaller and smaller and I have nowhere to go... This is what is happening now.. I am overwhelmed in My Circle.. it is not the safe haven that it once was... It is not a secure place to rest or get away from my demons.. as my demons are in that circle with me trying to smother me.. but people in the world try to do the same as well, so what to do, where to Go???

I have a lot ahead of me.. geting married (not sure I want to ) and a baby on the way that I am not sure that I am emotionally ready for... More Mental  Health problems than the cookoo"s nest, and an addiction that eats at me even with much time clean.. as well as hopes, dreams, desires, and of course expectations... What does someone with so few positive coping skills and so much fear and internalized Hate and sadness do to deal with all this at Once.. What do I do.. I hope I can get some kind of treatment to deal with this stuff or at least begin to as I feel like a window with a crack.. over time the crack gets larger and larger and eventually the Window shatters into a million pieces.. That is what I feel like now.. That the crack in my soul is growing by the day and I have no super glue to slow it down and hold it together. Like last night.. Leo simply asked me to hang up the clothes outside but with her watching me and giving me instructions.. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I almost snapped...If something that minimal sets me off, what will happen when real danger or stress is present ???

The Circle I live in is not as safe as I thought.. Getting less comfortable by the day but yet I do not know how to build a new circle.. have no idea where to start.. who can help me or if anyone can ? I feel that the window is about to smash and all this potential that is behind the window will be blown away... There is good in my Life.. Family, events, and more but the bad overshadows the good and keeps me right where I am... Stuck in this Bouncing Ball.

R.C.