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Entry 1 of 335
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1/17/2008
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Treatment is a must !
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I am realizing more and more that treatment is a must .. I need to see doctors, get on right meds, and talk out some of what goes on in me.. It is not good to keep it all inside.. I did that for many years and lok where it got me... So my hope is to go to the States and get some help.. see some Doctors and work my way back up.. so hard though as all I want to do is go in the hospital although I know that has never done me much good in the past... I am just hanging on until I can get some help.. I will not have much time to get seen while I am in the U.S. but I imagine that it will be more than I have now which is nothing, drowning in my own tears... There are some joys here which keep me afloat.. Like the few friend"s I have, Leo"s family, feeding the dogs.. and this amazing place but the Choas of having an illness with no help around me keeps me from rising above. I do not know if I will ever be OK.. I feel like I am doomed to live in this damaged soul for eternity but I have to hold onto some hope.. I have to believe that I can find a way out.. Of course I am scared of Going to S.F. Because of how much of an abusive place it was for me and how I used so much and had so much pain and desperation there---I know that I cannot go back to smoking the pipe again although I am unable to let go of the good times and love affair with that Evil Drug... I know that I must stay close to sober friends, go to meetings and Doctors and do the right thing.. The main thing to do that will help me to stay on the right track is to Try to keep my emotions and Impulisive nature in Check.. something I have never been very good at... I may need long term treatmnet.. In fact I firmly believe that I do but I also have a baby on the way and a family to care for here... So it puts me in kind of a difficut situation... As for today... I had sort of a brekdown last night although short lived and Leo saw it all..I think she is beginning to understand.. at least she loves and supports me even when I say that I am leaving.. The whole stay or Go pattern I deal with. I feel anxious, bored, Sad but Hopefrul... I have hope that I can have a good next couple of weeks.. and go to to States and see loved ones and get some help before returning here to see my baby born, get married, and maybe even start my Blogging career full time from Home.. if I can get my own computer and set up at home. I am struggling, minute by minute but I am doing the best that I can with what I have and Know and accept that although I may never change or get bettter.. I may always indeed be a mess... I know that I have to get some treatment for my Illnesses and addictions and at least Try. R.C. |
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