Today I woke up feeling like I normally do, which is gloomy. It was not all because of the nothingness and Insanity of the disorder but Also because Leo(my fiance) and I had another little problem last night.. She does not get me or see what I am about and when she does not understand me or like something about me then she just goes silent on me which makes me worse of course, as The Borderline always feels rejected anyway. There are certain parts of who I am that are sacred to me and also things that nobody can understand and accept.. Just the way of the world I suppose.. This causes many of our Issues and problems and is the reason for me to continue to play the " I am leaving, I am staying game ".. Basically similar to "I hate you, don"t leave me ", very common with BPD and with Me even more so. I never know if I should  stay or Go.. I mean I always hop into relationships so quickly and get so serious so fast... then I want to stray and be on my own... Very confusing for all Involved.  So, anyhow... Today after feeling sad when I woke up I decided I would go to the beach and try to get some much need stress relief... It was nice.. Many nice Interactions with attractive females on the bus and at the beach.. The usual "wow, the American is Hot" reactions from all the ladies... If you know me you know that I crave this kind of attention and this is the part of me that wants to play the field... But the other side of me loves and wants my family... my intentions are well.. I mean I feel like a little kid in a  candy store with this attention from the many beautiful Girls here... I love Leo but why do I jump in so soon.. why can"t I just get my feet wet first... Cause when I jump in and feel all in Love.. it fades all the time within three to four months.. Like it has again... There I go ranting away again. So, to finish... I went to the beach and besides all of the female scenery.. I relaxed on the rocks and splashed in the water and did lots of thinking about my Life.. and I realized a view things.. One is that Yes, I am an addict and addicts crave drugs but I do not need them, I can be in recovery and begin to feel good.. Drugs will just destroy me.. Look at the past and I will see where they have got me to this point... I just have to remember that when I get emotional and crave an escape as the Drugs often provide that escape from uncomfortable feelings and emotions.. I feel that maybe I had what those in AA call "a moment of clarity"... Second I was thinking that No, I am not perfect.. I have problems but I can overcome.. I accept that I have this disored and addictions and lots of pain and problems but I am a good person, I am talented and smart and can overcome my problems and do great things... I cannot let this illness hold me back from my destiny.. whatever that may be... The difficult part is that when I have an episode.. I cannot stop and say to myself " This is the disorder.. these are not my feelings but the disorder talking " I go into the BPD Zone ( I call it that ) where the disorder and it"s complexity controls me and all hell breaks loose... I told myself that I love you.. I have nothing bad about me.. just baggage that I need to handle... I always say that I hate myself but the truth is that I love who I am... I just hate how I feel ... I also explored my relationship with Leo and although that also is not perfect.. I care for her.. she has been there for me and is a Good woman.. I got her pregnant and want to raise the baby with her.. Yes we are different and I have issues but I have to try to make it work if I can.. she does not understand me or my problems but she is patient with me and that is far more than any other Girl I have been with has done with me.. Friends are patient with me but Very few girls put up with my insanity.. I woulden"t put up with me if I was not me... So Today was good... I had an opportunity at the beach to just relax.. enjoy the sun and water.. and just reflect.. get away from the stresses and anxiety... Fed some dogs and got some joy out of that as well.. especially the one who had only three legs.. he warmed up to me as I fed him the doggie treats... That warms my heart so much... I felt God out there on the beach as I sat and reflected.. I felt something happening inside of me... Not sure what though...or could be I am just nuts again...

It always feels like 4th and long (football term) in my life where the odds are stacked against me.. I have all this crap going on inside of me and it feels impossible to get a first down and make the comeback.. charge down the field and score the touchdown... Throwing up a hail mary seldom seems to work but that seems what I am always forced to do... The key is that I make better choices and go for the smaller plays (steps) on the first three downs so that I do not put myself in that position... Having the game on the line all the time is a stressful place to be... I am sorry if people do not get the football reference but basically what I am saying is.. I always feel like my back is up against the wall and I am faced with impossible odds, a major wall in my way.

Yes, I feel the same insane , confusing, and off the wall feeling which will surely knock me down again and make me feel like calling it quits.. and yes I need treatment but the mere fact that I realize those  roadblocks that are  in my way and the tricks my mind plays on me, and that I am not dead yet.. Yes of course I have work to do (which is so hard for someone who feels helpless)... But there is Hope.., isn"t that all anyone has anyhow ??

R.C.