Living on the Border !!! - Today"s Reflections

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1/19/2008 - Today"s Reflections

After having a good day yesterday I got home last night and things started to dip and head from the gutter... Leo seemed moody and she made some comment to me about me going to the internet that set me off... Showed me how truly uncontrolable this illness is.. How it is indeed temporary as I had a good day with lots of good personal insight about myself and life in general and then Bam .. again I was spinning in my irrational and Painful world. I flipped over that comment and began cursing and banging stuff around and left the house and came back and left again and grabbed a knife to cut myself but resisted... I wanted to drink or escape somehow .. all of this after I said earlier in the day that I did not need drugs or alcohol and was OK... I eventually calmed down and it seemed like nothing happened. I then after watching some TV and Dr Phil (good for the soul ) I began to relax and that is when Leo started to Cry and open up which she never does.. I calmly began to listen to her and offer advice... It felt right and like I was doing something good... She calmed down as well and we just watched somemore TV before she went to sleep as I laid awake in Pure Insomnia madness... But I feel that I want to bea Psych Doctor or Therapist.. I have lots of my own personal issues(Boy do I ) but feel that I have great insight and can help many people .. as I have been there.

Today just trying to do some good writing... there are many projects that I want to personally start.. including my own online radio broadcast.. but that will have to wait until I get a computer at home. I have this writers block that troubles me at times but that is because of my ADHD I often jump from site to site and never finish what I start.. It is a real battle to just focus on one thing and not get off track.. takes a lot of work for me to do that. I am getting excited for the Pats game tomorrow but nervous as welll.. should be fun but wish I was in Boston for It... that would be Amazing. However I am not in Boston, I am here and have to make the best of it, after all isn"t that all anyone can do with anything in Life... give it your best ??

I accept that I am not cured or healed from my addictions and Mental issues and never will be... I will have good days in between the bad ones and it is up to me to manage it the best that I cana nd not get too Cocky and think that I am in control and all better.. cause I did that yesterday and I took a full nose dive. I am anxious and antsy now but trying to keep my eye on the prize... Whatever that prize may be... I am trying to stay busy and out of my war zone of a head... and look toward the Future.. which for me Is the next five minutes as You never know what will happen inside of the Battle zone that consumes me .

R.C.