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1/22/2008
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Another Rant before logging off...
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Having sort of a writers block today.. just sitting here online posting and writing on the various sites that I visit but having trouble coming up with a writing of substance... I guess I have have an anxiety attack... I always wait for the ship to sink .. In other words.. I go up and down with moods and emotions throughout the day everyday and I never know when a good mood or better mood will go sour and I will be in Hell so that is what I mean by the ship sinking.. when it does start to sink I feel defenseless against doing anything to change that... It is quite disturbing and frightning actually. There are many things that I want to do, The internet is my world basically and I know how that drives my GF Leo nuts.. she feels left out but I do not know how to not be online as It is a release for me.. and I love looking up info and being a member of various communities online. I would like to do so much as I was saying but do not know where to start as I have a different idea every five minutes, cannot stay focused on what I want more.. I have this idea and then that idea ... I move up and down the mountain with various projects in mid but flip flop so much that I cannot get anything finished. I know that if I can focus on one thing at a time then I can be very productive as I know that I am talented and motivated.. The motivation just does not last very long and I lose energy... I crash hard several times a day.. and this makes it difficult to follow through on things... I start a lot but finish almost nothing.. My main concentration should be getting well from my physical and mental health issues and staying sober... as I am not worth much to anyone or cannot do much of anything if I go back to using because I cannot deal with my emotions or I am always sick... The staying clean and sober issue is huge right now since I will soon be returning to the U.S. and being in a city where I will get the help I need but also be faced with old demons and temptations and I am not sure how strong I am to combat such obstacles... So I need to really bear down and Work on my recovery.. My Life depends on It and I have much to look forward to in my future although my Disorder convinces me otherwise. R.C. |
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