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Entry 1 of 335
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1/25/2008
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Another one of those days ...
| I feel like I am getting worse.. I feel so lost and empty sometimes and want it to go away.. seems like I have so much that I want to do with my life but never get get enough motivation to even get out of bed and take the first step... I need treatment but am at a crossroads as I have to take care of my family.. Baby due soon.. I need meds.. not this placebo like Prozac which seems to do nothing to help.. I need long term care but have long term responsibilities at the same time. I try to do it all at once but cannot even take care of myself.. I have parts of who I am that others do not accept but what am I to do?? I can only be me and live and fight for what I feel a passion for... The world never accepts people for who they are.. they place expectations and then set the standards so high that it is impossible to meet those expectations. I struggle to stay Clean and Sober but hate the way I feel.. that is what so many people do not get.. they ask me why I act out in such ways and why I abuse drugs and alcohol if I know that it is bad for me and could kill me .. my only answer is that I hate the way I feel and it is the only way that I know to temporarily erase the pain and emptiness inside of my soul and get some relief.. But I know relief comes with a price as has almost anything that I have ever done...I feel like screaming , like running, like just getting away from it all.. It is so confusing I cannot even begin to explain.. I love Leo and am grateful for her one moment but then the next she annoys me and I want to get away from her, not be talked to or touched and just rock back and forth crying on edge of bed... I do not want to deal with the day but she forces me to get up, shower, and eat.. I know it is because she cares but can be so hard... I am trying to find some balance in my life and do all the things that I wnat and dream of.. take care of my family, have hobbies, fight for causes I believe in and just be happy.. but my disorder does not allow for that.. My disorder tells me that I need the Meth Monster and I will never be happy with just me.. it tells me a million things in thirty seconds.. so much that I cannot keep up.... I do not even feel here most times, I feel like a hollow substance.. just existing and not really Living... The constant desire to cut and act out and just crumble makes this journey so very difficult for me... I want it all but feel helpless to get any of it... So, here I am sitting here so uncomfortable in my own skin.. feeling the need for change so I can be someone else.. even if it is just for a day... Just to escape the Chaos that flows through me...there are many sides to who I am but few that are constant.. Yes, there are parts of me that I do like and cherish but most of those I have to hide from everyone.. So, The parts of me that I accept nobody else does but the parts that I ahte and feel awful about .. People do not think there is a problem with... I feel so misunderstood, so alone, and so... something I cannot describe or put my finger on... I want to give up, but something inside me won"t let me... It tells me to push forward and things will get better...I sure hope so... as living this way is no way to live and I do not want to give in to my demons...But feel my demons are closing in on me. |
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