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Entry 1 of 338
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1/27/2008
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Today I feel...
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That..I cannot really explain how I am feeling today but was up all night with medical concerns so that may be why... Leo gets so frustrated with me when I am as she says "cold" and non responsive...I just cannot express emotions when I feel so much and so little all at once... She cries when I am like this but I figure it is better to just zone out than to blow up with all my frustrations... Like I so often feel like doing... She does not understand all that I feel.. and how could she.. with the language barrier and the Non understanding of my Illness.. it is no wonder. I alternate back and forth between the extreme of loving her and wanting to start a family.. and then to the extreme of wanting otehr girls or guys.. To live another life and be free. Between wants and needs.. I need her but want to escape at the same time. I want to be free to meet otehr people one minure but feel like I want to be cared for by her the next.. Very similar to the chronic ups and downs I expierience on a moment to moment basis..I have been doing some activist work online of late and that does distract me from my pain and sorrow but when I go home I feel like I am trapped and want to escape again... I feel liek a rat in a cage and that is how I often feel once I get past the brief honeymoon period of a relationship... I am not even married yet and I can"t breathe.. Imagine what will happen when I do get married.. will I feel even more trapped ??? I wish for something and then when I get it I want something else.. I do not want to be alone but then when I find someone I wish I had done all the things that I could have when I was single... I am a mess !!! I hope to sort through all of this soon... It has been far too long being sick and I am not sure how much more I can deal with it all... I have so much that I want to do in Life but feel lost and trapped by my feelings and emotions... My thoughts are racing every night.. I get obsessed with everything.. If it is not one thing then it is another... Not healthy at all. One thing that I struggle with is not being accepted in society for who I am.. not being loved and valued..and my opinion meaning nothing most times... This bothers me greatly as I know although I do have problems.. I am a good person who is loving and caring. I know I can do some good in the world and help others who are not accepted but this dosorder and all of it"s difficult and debilitating symptoms keeps me down.. and makes it hard to rise again over adversity...I continue to struggle and fight.. I will not give up, as much as I sometimes want to.. I do need some help thougha s I cannot do it alone.. the anxiety and feeling of rage within me all the time makes life very hard... R.C. |
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