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Entry 1 of 332
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1/29/2008
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Trying to turn the corner...
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Another difficult day, not so much emotionally but physically.. My health seems to continue to decline and it makes my emotional state worse and worse... I learned that I will be going back home to the states soon so I can get everything cleared up hopefully.. I am scared to go back into the lion"s den of San Fransisco but feel that I will have the support that I need so I do not fall again, I cannot afford to use again.. I am sick enough as it is. Leo does not like that I will be gone for so long but she understands that I need to get healthy and see those that I love and care about... I imagine that she could use the break from my disregulated emotions and constant coldness and blowups anyway. My BPD has not been as active of late but I think it is primarily due to my concerns medically that keep me obsessed and focused on those areas of my life... It is definitly there though waiting to take me down and prey on my vulnurbilities... I will keep this short as I do not feel well but I hope as well as getting medical help I can get some treatment for all the emotional and mental problems that I face... sometimes it is just so unbearable living in this body, with the uncertainties, fears, and emotional nothingness... Always cravings omething new and exciting but feeling afraid to step outside the Box I live in...Never easy is it...I try to make my life better but most times in doing so I make those around me lives worse and my own as well.. So, again I try to turn that corner without getting Hit by some random object as I always seem to do.. R.C. |
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