I have arrived on west coast and as I expected I am feeling intense cravings for meth and what they refer to as "euphoric recall", where it feels like I am high now but have not used the shit in 8 months...I walk past the places that I used at before and expirience the same smells, feelings, sensations, etc.. So very weird and scary as well because I know the next step will be using and then all is downhill as we know far too well. I have been going to some meetings and connecting with old (sober) friends and I am enjoying myself but cannot get these drug feelings and desires out of me.. I know this crap will kill me or at least make everything worse for me.. I do have a lot to live for.. friends, family, baby on way.. Me !  This addiction stuff is so hard though and I do not know how to deal .. having BPD makes it all the worse because my brain cannot say No.. The implusive nature of BPD screams for me to use but I know that I do not want to return to that old life or in fact die.. which is a great possibility with all my health problems.. Why can"t I just have sex with guys or watch porn and not have to be high... So many are counting on me to stay clean but It is up to me in the end.. nobody can do it for me. I need to talk to someone but it is a Saturday and do not want to go to the Psych ER.. I guess I will hit up another meeting and try to stay out of harms way... This is where I am at now... So far things have been good but I feel I am approaching danger and that scares me because I know myself and feel on the verge of relapsing....One second at a time I keep telling myself...Slow and easy as Each decison is one that will greatly affect my Life and those who care about me.

R.C.