I have managed to get two days clean and sober.. This is not easy as Once you get caught up in addiction and the cycle then it is hard to break it.. especially with Meth.. It grips you and does not let go until it wrecks havoc on your life. It makes it even more difficult to quit if you have bipolar and borderline like I do.. many people do not understand this fact. I am feeling the severe depression from my relapse, although the physical stuff is better, after getting a good night rest at the hostel and now being able to return to my friend"s place as long as I stay clean/sober. I feel so down about my fall.. the people I  let down and all that happened, But what can I do but get back up and try again.. I survived and am alive after all.  I have to see something in my near future that will provide satisfaction and keep me sober and that right now is to get a laptop and I hope that will happen before I return home.. although I cannot see it since I am so poor where I cannot even pay the bills that I will have to face upon my return.. there are so many things that I must face and be strong for , I have to be there for my baby who is still sick and may not make it.. It is not just about me any longer.. But that does not make it easy to recover from the hell that I am always faceed with.. Having a  computer at home when I get back  will help me to reach out and get help when I am alone and struggling to find treatment in a place where there is none.  I so want to use right now.. so want to have that feeling of release and end the lonley, depression I feel all the time but am trying not to as I know the path it will lead me down will be the death of me.. Literally.

R.C.