Depression and complex mental issues coupled with a crippling drug addiction that tries to kill me

losing my son at such a early age.. losing myself every day, not knowing what to do

letting people down, making so many mistakes, and a lifetime of debt with finances and emotional bankruptcy..

this is my reality.. so much to deal with but so little strength flows within me.. I do not know what to do.. where to turn..

Nobody understands my pain.. nobody sees my sorrow.. they do not get that I use drugs to fill the emptiness within, to erase the pain that eats at me daily.. I fight all of these problems but usually fail so miserbly.. no strength within, no tools to battle the war that is my Life.. meth takes away the pain, makes it all better, makes me not feel, numbs that chaos that ravages my soul..but then it destroys who I am.. the little soul that remains in this old and battered body and being that I am..I miss my son.. I love him so.. I have so much pain and BPD increases that sorrow.. makes me unable to handle what life throws at me.. I feel so alone, so lost and sad,  I once had insight and that is slipping away along with the soul that  houses it.. what happens next?? All of this is too much for me.. I just want the Pain to go away and leave me alone.. I just want peace and happiness which seems completly unattainable..

R.C.