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2/19/2008
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Consumed by Crystal
| I am the worst kind of Meth addict.. I know what it does to me and the havoc it wrecks on my life but continue to use...I had 8 months clean but that was only because I lived in a country where there was no meth.. Now that I have returned to a place where Crystal is everywhere I am back in the mess of it.. I have two days clean but feel like I am a baby without his bottle.. I am in so much mental pain in that I am trying not to use.. Sex and Meth go together for me, I use with men and have sex as I cannot for some reason sober.. then I go off on own and spend hours into days in adult video theatres watching porn.. masterbating compulsivly and unable to stop smoking.. I am in love with crystal but it consumes me.. It has caused me to be homeless, almost die, have heart attacks and strokes.. spend all my money and hurt so many people in my life but somehow I still love it.. It takes away the pain and lonliness and fills me up with joy and happiness, making me feel like a sexual god.. like I can do anything with anyone.. but then when the good times pass everything comes crashing down.. When I use all that matters is maintaing my high and having as much sex and watching as much porn as I can..it is all about the sex for me.. they fuel each other.. I am a chronic relapser.. always raising my hand as a new comer in CMA and it drives me wild that I know this shit can and will kill me but use anyway.. It is so mucha part of who I am and I cannot let it go.. I see people get clean who had severe addictions to meth but I cannot seem to get it.. It grips me and my life so tight I cannot breathe.. I so want to use right now.. I so want to be high and forget about the pain.. have crazy sex and be what I cannot be sober.. Will it ever get better ?? |
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