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Entry 1 of 332
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2/19/2008
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The pain of Loss continues..
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Suddenly all of my own personal problems are not there, or at least them do not seem there. All that I can feel is such an emptiness inside of me due to the recent death of my newborn son, a son that I never got to hold,see, or let him know how very special he was, in fact is. This feeling is slowly consuming me and making everything very difficult for me.. This makes it even more difficult to stay sober.. wanting to cover up how I feel and not deal with this overwheliming pain.. If someone has never lost a child, It is an unreal expiereince. I can only imagine what Leo is going through, having carried that little guy for seven plus months .. I cannot imagine actually.. This is so devastating, I have no clue how to cope or deal with such pain and sorrow.. I see no reason to live anylonger.. I had very little hope and reason before.. But this makes it all worse.. I have never gone through such a traumatic event..Sure I suffer from my Borderline and depression issues, my difficult and destructive drug addiction and the pain of being poor and not being able to have the things I desire.. But this pain of losing a part of me, the boy I had such high hopes for and sang to every night in his mom"s belly.. is something I am not sure I can handle.. This hurts so very much..
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