I saw the psych doc today and boy was he a real nut.. I knew way more than that guy.. He was older and seemed like he should have retired a long time ago.. anyway.. He gave me my meds.. I am not sure what to do when I get back to Nicaragua.. hopefully I can still get them..I really need to be on the right meds. I am having such a hard time.. The death of my son has been so devastating for myself and of course his Mom.. I wonder what is it all for ?? Life I am talking about. What is the reason for something so senseless to take place.. As someone of great faith and belief in God I know the power of having faith in a power greater than myself but wonder why something like this could happen..What is the reason for this ? What good comes out of this ?? None that I can see or imagine. My life seems to be going down the toliet.. I lost my son.. my reason for living and trying to turn my life around.. I am poor and always have and will be..I constantly see people who have all the things that I want..The laptop, Ipod, And so much more.. and it makes me feel so bad.. I cannot have what I want and feel that I cannot make anything that I want to happen actually come true.. I feel that my Borderline and addcitions totally decide what I can have and what I cannot as I feel powerless over myself and my life most of the time. I see babies and I breakdown crying.. wishing that this awful life event did not happen and my baby was OK...Life is not easy for me, whether I using  or am clean and sober..Life is hard and painful for me and has always been that way.. feels like it always will be as well. The meth addiction is almost unbreable..I want to use and make the pain at least temporarily subside but I know how I let people down and I kind of hope that thinsg will get better If I stay clean and work on myself..believe me there is tons to work on.. I see all of the people that I know and have in my life have good lives.. They do not have these mental disorders that make their lives a mess.. They have credit cards, they have things, homes, and do not have to worry where the next meal is coming from nor if they will be homeless tomorrow.. such as I do.. I am whining but I am so sad over the loss of my boy.. over how I have nothing and things seem to get worse and worse..I messed up my credit, my life, and seem to be stuck that way.. just a helpless, hopeless drug addict and Borderline with little hope for Things changing anytime soon.. I guess I am wondering if life is worth trying to improve any longer, If I am just doomed and should throw in the towel.. I feel defeated in every way that a person can be beat..

R.C.