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2/21/2008
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This is how I feel today..
| Got up and went to an AA meeting this morning and it went very well.. My friend Jeff forces me to get up every morning and go to these meetings..I met this older woman Nicole and we talked and I started falling for her.. getting excited when she talked to me and held my hand.. Wow, I am so Borderline.. get attached so easily.. even when I am in a great relationship like I am..Anyhow, I am still having a hard time with all that has been going on but am trying to deal with it.. Today I just slept most of the day but Feel like I want to deal with things and not give up..part of me does want to quit the fight but something in me keeps fighting and pushing forward..Leo says she needs me, that does put lots of pressure on me though. So, I am leaving SF in a few days.. that is a relief and a sadness as well.. I am feeling the urge to use again though.. people that know me may judge me and call me a hopeless drug addict for that but the reality is having BPD makes it almost impossible at times to hold back on the impulses that I feel.. and Meth takes away the pain..at least in the short term. I know that uses is bad for me and so far I have held off for four plus days but I keep getting these emails from guys that want to "party" with me and I feel like a kid in a toy store that wants the toy but cannot have it so he jumps up and down and throws a tantrum... I want to get High and numb what I feel with drugs and sex.. But trying not to so I do not let anyone down.. So, all in all things are hard, I am sad and depressed but trying to deal with life on life"s terms.. |
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