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2/22/2008
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More Ranting..
| At the apple store right now playing around with the Ipod touch and the new Apple Macbook air and love them.. how I wish it was as easy as just putting them on a credit card and buying them and paying by the month.. But due to my awful credit situation that is not possible and causes me great sadness.. I cannot have what I want now nor ever due to my bad decisions over the course of my life.. there are so many that can but I am not one of them..There are so many things that I would like to do with my life and having one of these fine machines would in fact make it easier.. it would make my writing and ability to go to school so much easier.. The sadness about my son, struggle to stay clean and sober and all the emotional anguish within makes me wonder if I do in fact want to continue on and try with my life, Sometimes I think it would just be easier to just give up and die.. but something inside of me keeps trying and pushing on.. I am so sad over everything right now.. so desperate but musty stay clean over my last few days here in SF.. Although I wonder what is the use since I will not get these things that I want, this sadness and pain will not go away , and life will not get better.. This journal is about borderline and my struggle with that complex disorder.. but My life in general is complex, sad, and very hopeless at times.. |
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