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2/22/2008
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Yet another one..
| Been writing a lot on here past few days.. just hoping to deal with all of the disapointment and pain somehow..Not sure how it is going but I am trying to deal with things..I am very sad, been having bad dreams about my son who passed on and having a very hard time with life in general, more than normal.. Trying to read and do positive things although my brain and disease wants me to give up and just get loaded and not deal with things.. I look forward to when (someday) I can get my own one of these Macbooks and write all the time.. so often I have thoughts about what I want to write but am not near a computer..I guess that is why I have been writing so much past few days.. near a computer and have lots going through my head.. I am struggling to stay clean and sober, to deal with the pain that I feel, and not act out for a change.. why does not anyone understand what I go through, why I act out in the ways that I do.. I do not know. All that I can say is Life is hard and not what I want it to be..I am not what I want to be and that is why I used drugs and alcohol..It takes away the lonely, the anguish, and all that is bad and fills me with a feeling of Being OK..Something taht life in general has never been able to do for me.. |
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