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Entry 1 of 336
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2/27/2008
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Trying to get back on track.. Yet Again.
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I am back in Florida now and am so relieved as Sf was and is so very toxic for me.. I could not stop using that nasty drug that tries to and quite often is so close to destroying me. I am with a very close friend of mine who seems to care so deeply for me, that is something that I am not used to..I am used to being ignored and treated as I do not exist or what i have to say does not matter the least bit. There are people that do care for me and my well being.. I live for them as living for myself is just not a possibility most of the time.
It was such an interesting journey to Sf but I feel so lucky that I was able to get out with my life.. I felt that this time I may fall so deep in that black hole of addiction and despair that I may not be able to escape it"s hold on me.. There were good times along with the bad, I saw some good friends but wonder how much they do care..I mean they say they do but do they really ?? I used so much Meth and it wrecked havoc on my life.. I am left broke.. using all of next month"s check and not knowing how to pay next month"s bills back home in Central America.. how I will ever get a laptop or the other things that I desire.. then there is the issue of my depression.. how will I get my meds for next month being isolated down there.. and the constant cravings for Meth.. now having dipped back into that world yet again. Many challenges are in front of me on this journey we call life.. many obstacles lie ahead.. so what shall I do ?? Only time will tell.. it seems i am powerless over the events that occur in my life and all I can do is go with the tide.. such a helpless feeling that is to have.
So, here I am wishing, hoping, waiting.. for something great to happen in my life.. Tired of using and the emotional war that rages within this troubled soul.. sadness over the loss of my son.. and yet so joyed to have certain people in my life who actually care what happens to me.. I am sick with the flu.. sad and broken over the past week and what I have done and the wreckage of my actions.. but I will yet again do my very best to dig down deep and fight to regain my life.. whatever that means..
R.C.
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