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Entry 1 of 332
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2/28/2008
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Sick and Sad
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Feel sick today with some sort of Flu or something plus feeling down about my financial situation and the fact that I cannot have certain things that I desire and that I messed up so greatly in Sf that Not sure how to pay my bills back home..added on to that is the increasing pain and sorrow of my boy dying..Life is very hard..Yes, there are good things of course among the pain .. I have some special people in my life that care deeply for me and that is such a gift indeed. I just wish I could have a life like others, that I could have some of the things I wish for which would take away some of the pain and unbearable nature of every day living.
I have made some huge mistakes in my life and I am paying for them dearly now and will continue to..I have messed up my credit so I cannot get a credit card, get a laptop or other things I desire.. having no money makes life so misrable and difficult. Obviously there are things that make my life more painful that have nothing to do with money but to see people have the very things that you would like so much and are powerless to do anything to get those things is so very painful..
This is why I abuse drugs and alcohol and have such a low opinion of myself, it is because my life seems meaningless and like a waste of time and space..I seem to have nothing and am going nowhere, things fall apart all around me.. I continue to relive all of the mistakes that I have made along the way and that is double the pain..I always seem to change the rules so the drama never ends.. I am not sure why I do this but I do.. I just feel very stuck and powerless to do anything to change this hole that I have dug for myself.. When does the pain end and the joy of life begin ??
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