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Entry 1 of 335
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2/28/2008
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More on My Life... With BPD
| I'm having a bad day, bad week, month, life... My life is still a shamble, always was. I never felt "stable", my mind works at 250 mph ALL the time. I live in a binary world, . black or white. no middle grounds. Everything must come down to a logical combination yes or no. Every and any event around me provoke a cascade of choices, questions, hypothesis. 40 calculation per seconds for even the most trivial of things. This is not something that happens to me every once in a while, It is something that is, it's constant, even got problems sleeping 'cause of it (and I grind my theet like a power-sander). But then every once in a while (many times a day), my reasoning get blocked, I need to get something my mind going on something else, or else ... Or else, I "lapse", I enter a spiral of self devaluation. I become "blank" and yet I remain fully conscious, but i got absolutely no control over it. I feel like i'm a "weirdo", i disconnect, I take refuge in that box where i feel no pain... No pain, like the losing boxers who's been raged on for 22 rounds, I feel no pain, yet, I know this is going to hurt ... hurt bad ... These "crisis" usualy last a few minutes, up to hours sometimes on bigger events, very rarely more than that. Btw, Question. In my recent readings i've noticed that one of the trait of BPDs is to be generaly considered to be smart and witty, something I event found in the Writtings of BPDs. So the question is, are we smart because our mind works on overdrive or does our mind works like that 'cause we're smart? I have great insight into my disorder and addictions, Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I know how my mind works but cannot stop it from working that way, It is very complicated to be me. I know what I want sometimes but have no idea how to get it.. I know that my behaviors and thinking patterns are problematic but they are part of me and feels like I cannot change them, they feel embedded inside of my troubled soul and mind. Everything seems to flow together, my mind, soul, etc.. Each hour, day, month feels so long and drawn out.. unreal at times. I am not sure What is real and what is not.. So much is expected of me and I feel like I cannot live up to those expectations.. All I want to do is lay down and cry.. not want anything , not ask for anything and just wither away.. It would be so much easier that way.. So here I am.. trying to deal with all of this chaos that rages within my soul.. trying to survive each anxiety filled moment.. It is not easy at all. R.C. |
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