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Entry 1 of 332
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2/28/2008
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Another Collection of random thoughts..
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Life is hard enough being Borderline and dealing with all of the characteristics of that complex disorder but to throw a crippling addiction to crystal meth on top of that with all of it"s cravings and after effects that last many years after the user stops makes it all that much more difficult. It gets to the point where the longer you use that drug then when you stop then it is so very difficult to feel pleasure from normal things and the only thing that fills that thirst for happiness and pleasure is more of the drug.. You end up just feeling empty and bleak about Life and all in it. That is where I am at now.. Not being able to derive any sense of joy from things that I once did and an insatiable thirst for more Crystal.. I know that it must end..I must stop using and not return to that life.. i Know that I must continue to work hard at my recovery from Meth addiction and then I can begin to work on my other problems and disorders and work on loving myself but If I continue to use then things will remain the same and in fact get worse for me.
Crystal Meth seems to be the only thing that takes away the pain, loneliness , and sorrow and fill me with a sense of being complete but the truth is that it is a false happiness and in the end it destroys me and causes me to hurt everyone in my life.. and then turns me into a person that I do not like very much. I have a lot to deal with.. troubled finances, not knowing who I am or what I want, my addictions and Psych disorders which make my life unmanageable and so much more.. Not sure where to start.. Keep waiting for a miracle but guess there is no such of a thing.. So, here I am.. where to now ?? I wish I knew.. if I knew then I would not feel so stuck and trapped.
R.C.
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