Living on the Border !!! - Always Wishing..- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Always Wishing..- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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2/28/2008 - Always Wishing..

They drive their fancy cars and play on their high tech computers, they eat at high end places as they go home to their posh condos.. I struggle just to buy a gallon of milk..I see no end in sight.. People ask why do you use drugs.. You have so much potential. Where has my "potential" got me so far..I am poor, sad, and broken with no place to go for relief.. I have little to call my own and am lucky enough to have some sort of home.. for now. I am afraid to ask for anything as I know I will be shot down..I am afraid to make a new friend as they will push me away when they see the weakness within.. Life is so damn painful and even a sure thing will be denied by the end.. Why or how has things gone this way.. Now I do not have my drugs..the one thing that eases the pain of going without and living with this pain that fills my soul.. My past is filled with pain and sorrow but the present seems to portray that same pattern into the future.. Where to now is what I keep on asking.. How do I climb out of this hole i have dug for myself?? Sadness over what I cannot have, over what I have lost , and what will never be hurts so bad.. the tears fill my bright blue eyes.. I put on a fake smile pretending all is OK But those that know me that It is just an act and I hurt so dearly.. I do not know where to turn and what to do..Do I pick up the pipe again and inhale the smoke that clears away the pain that consumes me, or do I try to turn this life around..Is it too late for me and my Borderlinish impulsive ways ?? I have no answers but lots of questions.. My intentions are good but the outcome always fails me.. I hurt, the pain digs deep into my soul.. I want, I want, I need, oh how I need so much but nothing comes but more sorrow and pain.. Nothing ever changes, nothing ever gets better.. My son was about to be born and that was my reason to live and make something out of my life but he tragically passed on far too soon.. I am so very lost.. have so many fucked up ways and do not mean to act out in such childish ways but In fact I feel like a little boy inside and like I never grew up. Why can"t I have it all.. why can"t I be happy ?? Nothing seems to work and make things better.. I use and I am unhappy, I am sober and unhappy.. I"m alone and sad, with someone and sad.. nothing ever gets better and yet I am supposed to put on the happy face and push on.. How does one do that when It is always the same .. I try to be positive but wanting things that you cannot have because you are poor is so very hard, and losing family makes it all that more difficult.. then life just is plain cruel most of the time.. I guess I really am stuck in this circle with four walls.. R.C.