Living on the Border !!!
About Me
Recent Posts
- Back again - same shit though
- My Hopeless decent into old ways
- The struggle within
- Always Seeking
- Help ( poem )
Menu
Calendar
| Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | |
| 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 |
| 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 |
| 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 |
| 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | |||
Friends
Links
- My Wall
- bpdcentral
- Nimh BPD Info
- kci meth recovery community
- Another great and informative BPD site
- Meth recovery site
- My Other BPD site
Entry 1 of 338
Last Page | Next Page
2/29/2008
-
Baby Steps
|
Staying clean and sober will be a real challenge for me, my impulsive ways of my borderline and my up and down moods makes it even more difficult to deal with my emotions and deal with life on life"s terms. I have so much pain that dates back to my childhood and all that I learned from my mother..I learned her helplessness and have always thought that I had no choices in my life, that I was just doomed to be stuck like this forever. Drugs and Alcohol have always provided an escape for me but in the end they just caused me more pain and made more problems in my life. I want to fix myself and be clear headed, I do not want to need a needle, pipe, line, or bottle in order to feel OK anymore. I deserve more than that and those that do care about me do as well. I know that I have a very low opinion of myself and often hate who I am but the person I become when I put the Meth pipe to my lips is someone who is dark and uncaring, not someone that I want to be, would rather be the sad and scared little boy that I am. I am a chronic relapser , scared kid, someone who hates the word No or being told what to do.. negative and down on myself and my world but I still have hope that things can get better.. I have survived a lot in my life.. Suicide attempts, drug overdoses , homelessness, loss of a child, and so much more.. I can get through more.. Being borderline and whatever else I am is hard, really fuckin hard but I can do it..I have made it this far. Many people view me as a failure and think that I will always be a drug addicted loser..But I know that somehow, someway I can make it..I can be clean and sober, I can overcome my fears and insecurities, and fight my disorder.. It will not be easy and I hurt so very much but I have to at least try..I got to. Yes, It hurts me that I have let so many people down throughout my years and that I have messed up my life and I cannot have the fancy Laptop that I want to do my writing or a nice Ipod touch, or any other thing that I would like but I have a warm bed to sleep in tonight, food to eat.. I am safe and I am sober..have good friends, and a wonderful woman waiting back home for me.. I have a chance..of course my disorder and addictions want to Kill me and take away my chance at life or happiness but I have to stand up and say No.. and take the next step forward. |
Post A Comment! :: Send to a Friend! |
Share and enjoy
