Living on the Border !!!
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3/1/2008
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Frustration Continues...
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I have a week left here before going Home to be with my wife to be.. I have had a good time here and all has gone well. I had thought that I would somehow get a laptop to bring back with me which would make starting school and such easier but Was not to be I guess.. Makes me sad but I have always been at this place where I do not get what I want so I should be used to it..Walking in the store today made me sad when I saw all of the baby stuff..cribs, clothes, and more.. But otherwise I had a good day with my friend..Nice lunch and walk around the mall. I feel pretty down also with cravings for Meth.. but trying to deal with it all. I feel this dark sadness that consumes me and makes it impossible to think of anything other than my inner pain.. Like the world exists outside of me on so many levels and like I am alone in this chaotic universe.. It feels like I will always be "stuck" and will never climb out of this hole I have dug for myself over the years.. The anxiety, feeling that I have to escape my body and feelings is always with me.. is hard to manage. My life consists of always trying, trying, and trying some more but no results come.. The only thing that comes to me is more and more pain and frustration..It feels hopeless.. So, why am I still here ? Do I have hope that It can be better ?? |
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