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Entry 1 of 338
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3/1/2008
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Lonely and Frustrated Ranting
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Seems that I go through different periods with my disorder and there are times where I seem to be able to control my emotions and others where I feel this chronic emptiness and sadness and I just get so overwhelmed by life.. these are the times when I really need to write and express myself through my blogging as being inside of my head is a dangerous place for me.. I am feeling that my body is withdrawing from the drugs and I also feel the sadness of losing my boy and on top of that there is all the sadness of things that I cannot have and the general pain of being me that haunts me every second of every day. What have I become.. always trying but feeling as if it is no use, the pain persists and everyone I know goes away in the end.. nothing stays and I just end up using drugs again to fix the brokenness that has become me. Everything I have ever wanted does not come to fruition and I am left disappointed and let down.. mostly by myself as I am such a failure in my own eyes. I think I have a lot to live for but it is physically painful and unbearable to get through even the next five minutes, wanting to jump out of my skin always. I always have high hopes for the future but it never works out that way.. I am so grateful for the people in my life but I feel that I do not live up to their hopes and expectations of me and I do not give them what they deserve. I feel that I myself do not even come close to what people think I can or should be.. I get motivation but it is fleeting and soon I am back in the dark hole of depression and despair ..The material things that I desire seem so trivial to some but they mean so much to me..I know that in the grand scheme of things they will not make me happy but they will help me to maybe do something better with my life. I have BPD and am an addict but that does not mean I have to give up and be in misery for the rest of my life.... There is hope for me, there has to be. It is hard to be who I am and deal with all the crap that I am forced to deal with but somehow i have to put down the pity pot and push on, I just feel so trapped all the time. Like a cat chasing his tail in circles over and over again..never catching up with it. I am here alone and although sometimes I like that, now I feel uncomfortable sitting with myself.. Looking at the Mac magazine wishing for the things in it but knowing that is just a pipe dream.. Like so much of my life. I feel like my life has gone out the window and the only thing that will make it better is just to use again and escape the reality..I am really fucked up arn"t I ? Please do not answer that. |
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