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Entry 1 of 338
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3/4/2008
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Blamed for Borderline behaviors.
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I just have to be real and write how I really feel here. I try to resist blaming my Borderline for how I act or don"t act but the fact is that I do have this disorder which has certain characteristics that sometimes act up and cause me to behave in a certain way. There are ways that I am that I am not aware of and for people to expect me to completely change instantly after a whole life of being a certain way is a huge burden for me..I am not sure that I can live up to such expectations. I just feel so confused, people know that I have a illness and yet they get angry at me for the illness acting up and expecting me to be like everyone else .They then show their anger at me knowing that I have a very low self esteem and such ways of showing such reactions towards me could cause a breakdown on my part..When people yell at me or it feels like they are raising their voice at me or are unhappy with me then I think about punishing myself, especially if it is someone I value. I am who I am..My actions or lack there of are based upon my fears and other problems and should not be judged or compared to the rest of society..I am different than most and should not have all this thrown at me and all of these expectations to live up to. I so feel like cutting or getting high right now.. I went to the meeting and it went well but then I get verbally attacked and given the silent treatment for acting the only way I know how which is quiet and reserved. Would someone punish an Autistic kid for moving in ways that are not done by the so called normal kids ?? Why are people expected to change who they are just to suit someone else ? Why can"t we be accepted for who we are ? Only another Borderline can understand exactly what I am feeling right now, maybe nobody can,I don"t know . |
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