Living on the Border !!!
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3/4/2008
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More Bedtime Thoughts
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Things have calmed down some as my friend and I talked and worked out our issues.. I know I had part in it but I really feel that I have my ways and comfort zone and for me to go outside of my social and emotional boundaries is a very dangerous place for me to be. I wish I was not so crazy and unstable at times but at least I held my composure and did not blow up like I normally do. Now, I am over what happened mostly but am once again left sitting with myself and all of my madness up there in my head. I feel the sensation of smoking Meth and wanting to just escape and get high..as crazy and insane as my addiction is and what I went through was I miss it..It was such a part of my life and provided instant relief for whatever I was going through, even when it later turned to shambles. It served it"s purpose at the time and I felt part of the whole lifestyle and culture.. I do on one insane level miss it but realize that my life on that crap is a dead life and I am emotionally dead when I am tweaking. So, here I am once again; sitting with my sober self alone in the living room trying to quiet my mind and not get so overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. Not a place that is comforting . Life is so hard and I wonder if it ever will get easier, Trying to stay clean and sober, manage my mental health issues, and please everyone else is a lot for someone who feels like a little boy. |
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