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Entry 1 of 336
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3/9/2008
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Reality sets In.
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The passing of my son is really starting to affect me and what I am feeling is becoming very overwhelming to deal with. The guilt of not being around coupled with the sadness of this so very tragic event stabs me in the heart like a jagged edged knife where it hurts most, In the heart. I saw his grave today upon my return home and I just stared at it with intense emotion but an inability to cry or let anything out to be visible to the world at large. Why did this have to happen I continue to ask, why? I cannot understand the reason for this nor can I accept it at this point it seems. Something feels like it is missing and I suppose that it is, part of me was on this earth for a brief period of time and now it is gone. I was never able to hold him nor show him my love and that really hurts. What happens now I ask, how does one move on from something like this ? I do not have that answer nor do I know where to look for it, all that I do know is that right now the pain from this adds to all that I normally experience and go through and makes life all that much more difficult for me. I mean, a normal person who does not have extreme mental and emotional problems would have great difficulty with losing a child and all of the feelings and emotions that go with that so what happens to someone such as I who has all of that other stuff going on ? I think that the road ahead is going to be a very painful and difficult one, but then again when has it not been?
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