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Entry 1 of 336
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3/11/2008
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I hate it when it starts up out of nowhere
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The anxiety fills me as the fear grips me. I try to escape and get free from the madness but nothing shall help so it seems, Where is my help and saving grace? I have those that care for me and give me great gifts both monetarily and spiritually and that helps of course but at the end of the day I am stuck with me, trying to sift through the feelings of doubt and shame sadness and self blame and wondering what does all this mean , Who am I and will I ever stop feeling so green. BPD engulfs me as it takes the knife and jabs it through me and twist and turns it through my battered soul..Life gives me one curveball after another and then expects me to rise above and be successful..Sometimes it all gets too much for this little boy to deal with and it is at these dark moments that my world feels the most empty and painful..I am having one of these dark moments right now and do not know what to do. I want to crawl up in the corner and be all by myself, not be touched, talked to, or seen. I know that this illness is temporary and these momentary feelings will soon pass but at the time the madness that I feel does seem like an eternity.
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