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3/13/2008
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Yesterday
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I had a nap yesterday afternoon and it was quite nice to get some rest during the day, to refresh the system and rest the brain that is always so active throughout the day. I find sleep and relaxation to be very important for my emotional, mental, and physical health. For someone who has Borderline it is important to always feel fresh and rested as I notice that when I am tired then I get irritable more easily and am prone to acting out and taking it out on others. I felt like taking something out on someone as My little niece just whacked my laptop after I over and over told her not to touch it, I already am paranoid about this new amazing machine that I got for my Birthday. I guess I just have to take a deep breath and behave appropriately at those times . Anyhow as I was saying, I find rest to be helpful in dealing with and living life and when I am not rested I act out and am an overall mess, I would flip out if what just happened took place when I am not rested. So, anyhow I went to Leo’s family house and dealing with Yelena who is a great kid but drives me nuts with how she comes at my computer and does not listen. I guess I am not ready to be a parent again as I have no patience for such things but I do miss my son that I never met in person when I see Leo”s sister’s baby and hold him. Also when I see my boy”s grave out in the backyard here, all of that is difficult for me to deal with having to already deal with a lot as it is but I do my best. I felt irritated about my computer being messed with and like I wanted to blow up, the emotions that I described earlier of not knowing how I feel are gone as I know right now that I have anger, frustration, and sadness flowing through me but not yet becoming visible to others. We move into our new place on Sunday which is a stressor as well but also something to look forward to, that is the way things usually are I guess, they stress us out even when they are good things. So, tonight I will try to relax and not let my emotions win and rule my life and we will see how that goes. Then last night Leo and I had a nice Pizza dinner out at this little restaurant and then a relaxing night at home. She cried about the baby and I held her, wanting to cry but having trouble still doing so which is not normal for me..I usually can cry enough tears to fill a swimming pool. Today we shall go and get the keys for the new place and do some cleaning over there, I really hate to move as it stresses me out so much but It feels good at the same time. Not sure what else to say right now except that I am trying to take it all one day at a time.
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