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Entry 1 of 336
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3/14/2008
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Sad thoughts but work to be done.
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Sitting here in the cafe doing stuff online, Oh how I love this computer. This little girl just splattered a glass of juice all over the place and I freaked of course, trying to shield my laptop from the liquid. I got so angry at this little 3 year old but held my anger in, not easy to do for me. I am going to finish up here and then go and help Leo clean up the new apartment, It takes a lot for me to muster up such energy to do a task such as that. If I had my way I would stay in bed all day and just be with myself and my problems. Anyhow, I am here listening to the song "the saddest song " by the Ataris and it reminds me of Avery my 9 year old son. It makes me sad because it talks about how he left his son just as his dad left him which relates directly to me and my life. I left Avery almost four years ago as his mom and I had issues and my fleeting ways of my BPD forced me to run when things got difficult. It makes me sad because I love Avery so very much and now having lost my newborn boy recently I feel even more of a failure as a dad. I am going through lots of complex emotions and it is hard for me, It really is but I am trying to cope and face the day each and every day. Life is funny in that way, it does not stop and let you catch up when you are ready..It keeps moving with or without you and it is up to each and every person to go along or be left behind. Off to do some house cleaning I guess and then maybe will write more later, I am sure there will be more to write about as there always is.
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