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Entry 1 of 336
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3/17/2008
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It always seems to pile up on me.
| Seeing all of these baby boys all of the time has got to me and created all of these sad emotions. I do not understand why my boy had to die, why not someone else’s child ? I wanted to be a dad again and not having him around makes me so sad and I cannot see the reason for this. I am told as a Christian that everything happens for a reason but I just cannot see it in this instance. This is the big blow, main reason for my sudden deep depression but there are many others as well. Dealing with not being able to get hooked up with Internet access at home is troublesome as well as the landlady stalling on returning our security deposit plus the constant struggle that I have with my on going confusing emotions. The baby dying is the worst though, I feel to blame for it although realistically I know that I could not possibly have caused this. I miss him so much though although I never got the chance to hold him. I am dealing with it in my own way but so far it is not working so well, the healing process has been slow so far and I am sure it will be a difficult process as time goes by. I feel this emptiness, different than the usually feelings I have all the time, it feels like my pleasure chemical Dopamine is gone. I feel just ”blah “ , it is common with detoxing from Meth but this time feels so much worse. Yesterday we moved and I although it went well, I have conflicted feelings about that as well. I guess it is that I do not adapt well to change, unless it is of the impulsive variety. Positive, planned out change feels weird for me and I just am not used to it I guess. Just need to get some quality rest and get all that crap out of my body, then see how it all goes. I hope to get somewhere with finding Internet access for my house as that would make this transition so much easier. I am able to cope with myself much better when I am able to go online and do various productive things. Today I do feel somewhat better although really am depressed about various things, just trying to feel it and handle it better. I do not do well with feeling feelings, I rather cover up with drugs or alcohol. This is where I am at and I have to do my best. I am grateful for many things in my life but there are parts of my life I wish were different. I am going to do some work in the new house today and see where the day takes me. |
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