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Entry 1 of 336
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3/18/2008
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Life
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Life just dumbfounds me sometimes, It is so damn hard and always seems to fool you and get the best of you no matter how hard you try . There are those that life comes so easy for and others who just never seem to get it, I am one of those people it feels like. I try and try and try and it just feels so hard and a constant struggle to keep up with the rest of society. I always seem to be playing catch up and nothing ever seems to come to me like it does others. Everything that I have or have done is because others did it for me or helped me, not because I actually did anything on my own. I seem to get what I want but then cannot get something that is needed for me to get the max benefit out of that thing, or I get the relationship that I think I want only later to question who I am with and wonder if I want someone else, or just to roam freely. I feel so incapable of doing anything, Feel so helpless and like I am trapped all the time. I function based on what others can do for me, If someone does not cook me a meal then I do not eat, If a doctor does not give me sleeping pills then I do not sleep, If the government does not give me a check every month then I am hungry and homeless, or If People do not provide things for me then I go without and am sad as a result. So, this leaves me where ? In a tough spot I would say. I cannot be totally negative, I have done some great things in my life and have some amazing people in my life now who do care for me, I do not know what I would do if I were all alone. I am grateful for all that I have, I only wish I was not so helpless. I know there are some that may read this blog and say to me that I am not helpless and can do more than I think I can but I feel helpless, I feel incapable and if there is one thing that I have learned in all of my years on this planet is that if you feel and more important, believe something to be true then it is. We are what we feel or think we are, that simple. Right now I feel overwhelmed by life and my perception of my life and my place in this world. Sometimes I just want to go to a deserted island, with no pressures, no people, no expectations, no success or failure. Just me and the universe. I guess that would be great but the one problem still remains, No matter where I go I am still stuck with me and my own personal realities that live inside of me all day and all night.
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