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Entry 1 of 338
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3/18/2008
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That Hollow feeling
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I often feel that I have this emptiness inside of me that I can neither explain or understand, I feel at times like I do not exist and that I am merely taking up space on this planet. I do not like nor want to feel this way as I want to do so much in Life and to have such chronic feelings of nothingness causes me much pain and discomfort. The best way I can try to explain what I feel is that I do not feel I have a connection with myself, that I do not have a core set of values and beliefs that define me as a person. I do not understand my purpose in life nor do I feel that I have one. These feelings are very difficult for me because I want to know who I am, I want to feel connected to who I am and be firm in my beliefs. I feel that others cannot relate to me as they do not know what it is like to have such chronic feelings of blankness and to be in such a dark hole most of the time. People say to me that it will get better but my question always is, “what will get better ?” I do not even know what I have to fix so If a doctor does not know the problem on a patient then how can he correct the problem ? I wonder if I were to die would people go on with their lives like I do when people in my life pass on ? Would they even be affected by my death ? I guess they would but I do not know why as I do not feel that I have made any kind of significant contribution to this world for the some thirty two plus years I have been in it. I feel often that I am here on earth just being and not living, I feel so disconnected my who I am and the direction of my life that I feel I cannot fully live. I exist only in the moment and have much trouble recalling events of the past, many times it is like they never happened. I feel that the things that have happened in my life in the past are so far away, even if they are only minutes away. I have trouble remembering something that happened five minutes ago let alone months or years in the past. I know that they happened but I cannot remember how I felt or any other aspects of the experience . This is very hard for me as I so want to feel what It felt like. Yet another part of this difficult disorder that I have that makes life so very hard for me. I feel empty, like someone picked me up and turned me upside down and all of my emotions, experiences, feelings, and parts of me were emptied onto the floor and swept away. Then I am left with nothing inside me but a hollowness This is how I feel, I wonder if I can ever feel full without needing to fill up with false feelings, can I ever be me and know who me is. I want a connection with who I am, but have no idea where to start. |
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