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Entry 1 of 336
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3/18/2008
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Today"s feelings
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Again today I woke up feeling this chronic, debilitating depression and emptiness with little idea of how to make it better. I love my new computer but cannot get Internet access at my new house, I like my new house but there is no Internet. My plans (as usual ) are not working out the way I planned for them. I guess as a good friend who is wise in many ways recently told me is true,“ There are no guarantees ”. I had thought the idea of making plans is for things to turn out how you orchestrate them to be. Guess not as I make plans and things are always different than I originally thought they would be, not always bad but not how I envisioned them when I was coming up with the idea. I just did not want to get out of bed today, Feel down and just like the day will only give me more pain and disappointment so why bother facing the world out there. Today is also the one month anniversary of my baby’s death so that makes it more difficult. Yesterday was the eight month anniversary of being with my Fiance and Tomorrow is my 33rd Birthday. So, as you can see there is lots going on in my life , both good, bad, and just as it is. I am trying to feel good but just am angry, frustrated, and sad about lots of things and just wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better. I feel like doing something to at least temporarily erase what I am feeling and I guess that is the hard part. All of my life when things were hard I would drink, drug, or do something and now I am stuck with these feelings and no ”fix “. Not sure what the rest of the day will bring but I do know that I am sick and tired of the ups and downs of what I go through on a daily basis. I want consistency, even if it is misery.
I try to change what I feel and feel better but it is what it is. I have hope although little at the moment. I am doing my best with what I have which is again little. I do not know what I will do with the rest of my day, maybe just write some more and add them tomorrow or whenever I can get online.
R.C.
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