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Entry 1 of 338
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3/19/2008
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I made it to 33.
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Today is my birthday and I woke up feeling blue. One"s Birthday is usually a happy time but I sort of feel down. I will make the best of it and try to enjoy it for what it is however. I laid in bed last night thinking about my life and the journey I have been on up to this point and came up with several things. First off , of all of my birthdays since I was 17 I was only drug and alcohol free on one of them before this year and that was two years ago. I usually would get loaded so I could enjoy myself and socialize with everyone and maybe people would like me more was my thinking, I think it was the exact opposite. So, today I am clean and sober ( 24 days this time ) and with my fiance and her family and hoping for a nice relaxing day. Nothing spectacular but a simple, drama free 33rd Birthday. I wish I was with the other important people in my life but people scatter themselves around the world so has it, or maybe it is me that roams the world and thus meet many people in many different places. So, here I am on day one of year 33, still confused, sad, empty, and unsure of my purpose and direction on this planet but trying to continue learning and growing. I have not given up yet nor will I until there are no more corners to turn or hills to climb. Life is not easy but I suppose it is worth every bit of the struggle. Turning 33 reminds me of something I saw and wondered about when I was eighteen or nineteen, I used to go drinking with my friends and my beer of choice was Rolling Rock and they would have this number 33 on the back of all their bottles and I always wondered what is the significance of that number on the bottle and I never came up with an answer but it has remained one of the many mysteries in life for me, But today I am wondering again what does 33 mean and what will this 33rd year of my life mean ? Will I finally find the meaning to my life or will I still remain confused and go through my days like that ? Time will tell I suppose. I am frustrated about my struggle to get Internet access at home here as well as the other irritating little things that life throws my way but I am hopeful that I can take my BPD and other problems and use them for good to help others and grow as a person myself. So, Happy Birthday to me and may I make it through this struggle, a struggle that over the past few days has had me feeling hopeless and in a dark place. I hope to turn it all around and who knows, maybe I can. I never thought I would make it out of my 20"s , yet here I am at 33. |
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