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3/20/2008
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My past does not have to equal my future. (wrote last night during brief moment of positivity )
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When I was a boy I dreamed of all the things I wanted to be and yet I never became any of them. I wished and hoped and yet never knew how to take the appropriate action for any of those dreams to come true . I saw all of my friends doing these great things like going to little league baseball and hockey games and being on those teams, I planned to try out but was always too late, too old, or whatever. All of my friends had the best toys, electronics, family vacations and more but I always was left watching other people living the life I could only dream of. Always trying to catch up I never felt I fit in and wanted desperately to. I have grown up in the city and always been a city boy but sometimes I just want to get away from all of the buses, trains, cars, and noise and be alone where there are no fears, doubts, or rejections. Where I can just be who I am without having to live up to the world“s expectations. A place where what you have, look like , or how how much money or power you have does not matter; where I can just be and not have to impress the world. My mind is difficult to keep calm and quiet as it is so I just want to be away from external noise at times so I can be with my thoughts and try to make sense of it all, If that is even possible. Life has tried to teach me many very valuable lessons but for some reason I refuse to learn and keep on making the same mistakes, I seem to wish things would change but not realizing that if I do not change then nothing else will. I do not know how to change it seems though, where do I start ? It is like looking for a needle in a haystack, almost impossible to find. I do not know what problem of character defect to start with first, I have so many. Seems that the wounds never heal, nothing ever changes, and I always complain about how sad my life is but if I do not take action then everything will remain just as it is. The first thirty two years of my life have been hard and at many times seemingly unfair but there have been positive times and I have to try to use that to pick me up when I fall, things do change even if it is a little at a time. There is inspiration in the world and it is possible for someone to overcome insurmountable odds and become something great. I often cannot see the shore and often feel as if my life is hopeless and that my mental health problems along with my lack of motivation has me doomed for life but I still have hope that on this my first day of my 33rd year on this planet that there is a light and I can still turn it all around. Instead of looking for the hopelessness in the world I need to look for those cases of hope and inspiration and use that to put one foot in front of the other and turn all of my pain into gain and move forward. What this will take is more than I can I can imagine but there have been many others who have overcome what the world deemed impossible, maybe I can as well. Every journey starts with a single step and for me that could be as simple as putting down my negativity and saying, ”I will not give up this fight “. As hard as it is to let go of the ”I can“t ” attitude I must try and wake up each morning with the attitude “Let’s see what today has in store for me ‘.
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