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Entry 1 of 336
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3/21/2008
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BPD Criterion # 2- Pattern of unstable and Intense relationships
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1. Pattern of intense and unstable relationships.
Another criteria of this so complex disorder that follows me wherever I go in this world, I often try to
run away from my problems and this illness that baffles me all the time but I cannot run away I am
learning more and more. I often do not know how to relate to others and when I am in a relationship
of any kind with someone I have difficulty staying on the same level as they are. For instance when
I meet a girl and I want her to like me I go to extreme lengths to accomplish that, often looking like a
fool in the process. Also, I jump ten spaces in the relationship so I can for a lack of a better term ,
lock it up before I lose the girl or relationship. I am so afraid that people will see the real me and
will not like what they see that I try to commit to them so I have a better chance of keeping them.
I meet a girl and I fall in love ( so I think ) in record quick time, sometimes as little as an hour after
our first meeting. Crazy huh ? I get all these intense emotions about the person and then scare them
off with marriage proposals and telling them I love them. If I do not scare them away then after say
six months or so I get bored and want something new, I care for them but in a different way, more
like a friend or sibling .I go through girlfriends like many people go through cups of coffee People
that I love the most I often get the most angry and enraged at for not leaving me as I expect it . I say
leaving then five minutes later saying I am staying and I am sorry , It is the whole “ I hate you, don’t
leave me ” scenario. I come and go at rapid speeds. In and out I go, I am out of here I say and then
return pleading to be forgiven. I often devalue these people when they do not do as I feel I need
or want , labeling them as uncaring and insensitive but them put them on a high pedestal when they
are what I call on my side. I see the world as black and white, however I do see many caring people
in my life who I love as in the middle at times, I know that they have to draw the line at times and
not enable me. At these times I struggle not to see them as all bad but I can. The rest of the world
I usually cannot. I have had many Chaotic relationships and usually I create the Chaos, If I do not get
100 % attention all the time then I split and devalue them, I blow up and all hell breaks loose. I do
not care if the attention is good or bad, but It has to be all about me. I hate living like this by the way,
It is not fun for me and I do not like to cause others such pain and misery either, I do not know how to
stop once the behaviors are triggered and set into motion. It is like I am on auto pilot. In these relatio
ships I freak when the person leaves me alone, talks to others, or does anything that I consider to
be hurtful towards me. I need them to be with me all the time, pay attention to me and not be insensi
tive towards me. When I am told No by anyone the scene is not pretty. This is a big one, I scream
and yell and throw tantrums when I am told No, I know that this should go under rejection but it does
affect all of my relationships in a very negative way. I cannot tolerate that word. It does something
to me inside that just crushes me and either I act out or act in. I burn bridges often, I require so much
attention and care and smother the person with my needs and what I think is love that they have no
choice but to leave me as It is not a healthy partnership at all. I seem to seek out unhealthy partners
and if they are not already I certainly make them that way. To cut it short, I go from relationship to rela
tionship as well as from job to job and always feel like a victim . I need to be loved and cared for with
more than most people can give emotionally and this is very destructive. When it ends I am often
devastated and resort to self destructive behaviors. I want it all NOW which is common with BPD and
that is why I believe that I fall in and out of love in an instant, why I need instant gratification and if I
do not get it then everything is shit in my view. In a nutshell, I am bad with others and I fear being
engulfed by another but cannot tolerate being alone either. One thing that drives me nuts is when
someone who I am with is silent, I think they are angry with me. It is crazy I know but it’s my reality.
I am not good in relationships even though I need them to survive so it seems, I feel trapped when I
am with someone but do not feel that I am someone without being with a girl. The girl defines me. . I
lack a sense of self, a separate identity , and when the relationship becomes routine then I seek a
new and exciting encounter . I feel that many l of my other problematic BPD ways stem from this
defect of character.
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