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3/21/2008
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The constant disappointment in myself
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That constant disappointment inside my head and in myself makes getting back up when I fall flat on my face all that more difficult . That voice that we all have that speaks our inner truth has a way of convincing us of our realities and that voice for me leans towards the negative side. It is always telling me that I am never good enough and I will always fail myself and everyone else. I just want to get away from that voice many times and many of the other noises of the world as they cause nothing but chaos in my already chaotic life. Is this Insight that I have or is it just more the b.s. that my mind feeds me on a daily basis. I never can understand how there are some people in my life who believe in me and think that I can do great things and then there is the rest of the world who say that I will never amount to anything, I usually tend to agree with them. I wonder if this year, this 33rd year for me will be unique and different or will it be more of the same that I endured for the past 32 years. I guess only time will tell and there is no telling what will happen in the future. I do wish my motivation and times of hope were not so short lived and I could maintain the steam instead of running out of gas and returning to the desperation and hopelessness that consumes me and has for a very, very long time. I look in the mirror and see a handsome young man that has the ability to charm others and win them over , I like this guy on the outside ; It is the person on the inside that I do not know most times and for sure do not like many of those moments. I feel like a sports car, I like the body of the car but the interior is all torn up and it has an old, rusty engine, broken muffler, and more nothing of value inside. I know there will be those who will disagree with this assessment but it is how I feel.
I feel so not right, so broken inside. I mean I have my moments of joy and happiness but there do not last long and I take that nose dive to the pits of darkness rather quickly and often. I had some OK times today but the intense sensitivity and brokenness remains deep inside and I have no clue on how to make it go away as what I have used for years and years to fix my broken soul ( drugs and alcohol ) is gone and I have made the commitment to try to live a clean and sober life, but as a result I am left to deal with these feelings with no way to erase them. After all , they do not give out manuals on how to deal with your feelings and emotions .
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