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3/24/2008
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My two Demons and how they remain
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There are two things in my life that make everything else in my life painful and unmanageable , two things that change who I am and how I act and relate to the world. Those things are Borderline personality disorder and Crystal Meth , My disorder of BPD (as it is commonly called ) and my addiction to Crystal Meth cause my life to take on new heights and me to act in ways that are not consistent with my normal ways. That is hard to say as BPD is always there and almost everything that I do so if I look at it that way then It is my normal self. Crystal Meth however changes me in ways
that are not my normal self and which turn my life upside down. When I am using Meth there are two things that matter for those hours or days that I am High and those are sex and of course the drug itself, I often will do whatever I have to so I can continue the run I am on. I have this narrow minded
tunnel vision when I am using that stuff, all that matters is getting more of the drug and more sex and
of course it is never enough. My BPD feelings and behaviors are brought out even more when I am using this horrible, nasty drug. I am more impulsive, more emotional, and more out of control. I have
to live with BPD everyday no matter what I do, with Meth the desire and memories are always there but if I do not pick up the drug then I will not get high and bad things will not happen to me. I am learning more and more about my demons everyday but still they remain and they always will be with me and I have to learn how to accept that and use what tools I do have to recover. I want to
use each and every day and be a part of that life that I was for so long and having BPD makes those feelings and desires more intense and more difficult to Ignore. This tunnel vision I speak of is so hard
to explain but it is exactly what I say it is, uncontrollable and unmanageable . When I am using and
in that mode where I am impulsive and on auto pilot nothing seems to be able to stop me, I just go full steam not thinking about consequences or other bad things that could happen. I am not me (whoever me is ) when I am in this mode and out of control. I do not know how to stop when I am out
of control , I feel like someone else. I need to treat my Mental Illnesses and addictions at the same
time or else they will keep destroying me , It is like exterminating one apartment in a house without
doing the other ones in the house. It just will not work, it is a temporary solution. The same is true if you treat an addiction but not the remaining emotional and mental issues and vice versa. The problems persist even though some of the symptoms have been treated. I feel that it is all part of
a larger problem, The drugs are used in order to fix how I feel inside and the emotions that I carry
around and to help with my disorder but it only helps in the short term , In the long term it makes me worse off. They are connected in so many ways and cause so much havoc in my life, I still have the BPD that I must treat and deal with if I stay clean but I have to accept that Meth only gives me pleasure for a short time and over the long haul it makes my BPD worse and causes more problems
than it was supposed to fix. I use drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms but now that I have no coping mechanisms to deal with all the shit inside that has been there all along. I heard once that you do not deal with emotional or psychological problems with anything external, you deal with them from the inside. It does not happen over night, but with work and acceptance it will happen. These two demons are there and will be there , but if I work on them everyday then things possibly can get better. I am sober today, not real happy but at least I am not self medicating and trying to escape.
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