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Entry 1 of 336
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3/24/2008
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Who am I revisited
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A wise man once asked “ Who are you ?” To which I responded , “I’ll get back to you on that ”. He is still waiting for the answer to that very complex and philosophical question and I am still searching for the constantly elusive solution . To know truly the core of one’s character and being is a difficult task for anyone but for the person with BPD this is a much larger hill to climb. I have gone through my whole life trying to establish that core sense of self, to be who I am and to know who I am. Instead I have not come up with a self that is separate from another and which allows me to stand on my own two feet with my own mind, soul, and life. I try to be everyone else and live my life through others which of course leaves me even more lost and confused. People with BPD ( and as always I can only speak for myself as I experience being Borderline ) try so hard to fit in with the crowd and often take on the identity of others in order to feel like they are someone and more they try to feel like they are somebody important. For me I did everything from being a Satanist to a Druggie so I could be a part of something, anything. I can say that I know parts of myself and accept them but cannot say that I know who I am as a whole person or the core of myself and my character. Feeling that sense of emptiness and being nothing is common for the Borderline and I have lived with those feelings for a very long time and that is why I jump through so many different interests and identities I believe. It has accomplished nothing for me but create more chaos in an already chaotic little boy, That is who I know I am without a doubt, a sad, scared little boy that never grew up, deep inside ( not very deep actually ) that is something that I know that I am. So, I continue to search for a self that will carry me through life, a self that I can feel good about and be comfortable with. I hope one day to arrive there.
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