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3/25/2008 - Last night, then later, and now an eventful Monday.

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I am not sure how I feel at this very moment. Perhaps a bit angry, sad, fearful. ready to run. I guess that should do it for the moment. I feel alone, It is not often that I feel discomfort being by myself but right now I feel those classic abandonment feelings and I do not like it at all. I feel this sense of being all alone in the world and there is nobody that cares, I feel that feeling that when someone leaves the room or is away for a few hours then they are gone for ever. I feel that I need something or someone in order to feel OK. I cannot just be here with no Internet, no people, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing without feeling like I am losing my mind. I am feeling all of these emotions that I have no idea what they are. It is 8 p.m. and Leo has been gone for hours and hours and I don't know where she is, what she is doing, or who she is with. That drives me nuts, I need to know or I lose it. I have cut (scratched is more like it ) all up and down my forearms and feel like it is not enough, I need drugs or a beer. I need to escape from this madness. Why do I feel this way? Where did my life go wrong ? I think I am tired of being here in Nicaragua and am ready to go back home, I mean to the states. I sometimes forget that I really do not have a home, no place to just be . I have been all over the place in the past 15 years, no stability. I wanna call her and scream, she leaves me alone all of this time . Nothing to do at all. Why would she do such a thing. I feel so lost right now, so in crisis mode. Yet there is nobody to help me, nobody to listen. What do I fucking do ? I guess just go through it and stay in control. I feel so nuts though. Do people even try to understand me or do they just say ' he needs to learn to deal with it' If they say that then my message to them is ' What if I can't learn' what if I don't want to learn ?" Later in the night Leo returned and I ranted at her about not being here and about all kinds of stuff, none of which she responded. That happens a lot, she does not give in to my BPD ways. She saw the scratches on my arms and I think understood more, I calmed down and felt fine for awhile but now not sure again, Guess it is time for bed. I will awake in 5 hours at 4 am to watch the Sox opening game and then maybe, just maybe I can get some cleaner for laptop. Seems that everything in life affects my emotions on drastic levels. Wish I was different, wish I was not dealt this hand of 2's but it is what it is. Today I had a good one for quite awhile, I actually was wondering if I would crash like I always do but of course it came. I got up at 4 am to watch The Red Sox opener on only 2 hours sleep and they won which made my day. Then I went with Leo to pick up her niece and I got to eat at Subway which was a rare treat living in the 3rd world where rice and beans is the norm. We walked around, I got the usual looks from all the girls, which makes me feel like a kid in a toy store . Then we came home and I felt good until I learned that the antenna for Internet service at my house will cost $75 per meter. I get so frustrated at some of the ways of life here, I mean why the fuck does life have to be so complicated. I am angry,and fed up with life and all it's cruel jokes. I need access at home. I feel so tired, anxious, and just..I don't know. Why can' t a day ever just be OK ? Leo does not understand why this is such a big deal, I tell her to try being me for a day and she would get it. Wow, do I need to sleep. That will force me not to cut tonight, I have cut two straight days. R.C.

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