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Entry 1 of 336
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3/27/2008
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Feelings of Ahhhhh, and puppy bliss.
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Have not wrote in a few days but lots going on up there in my War zone mind. I got a new puppy, he is adorable and I love him. Just seven weeks old and gives me so much joy to love him, I am such an animal lover if you did not already know. That happened yesterday after a disappointment of not being able to get Internet access from the phone company, still have not solved that mystery. I have been having lots of panic attacks, impulsive thoughts of going back to California and just throwing myself back into drug life, feeling strong urges to do so but that would solve nothing and would be nothing but slow suicide. There are those that know and love me that would say with strong words not to do this and criticize me about these thoughts but if there is anything that I have learned in my life about my disorder is that thoughts and feelings come and go. It is our actions that matter, one cannot control the thoughts and emotions that flood their mind, you just have to try not to act on them and they usually pass. Leo (the woman in my life ) has been getting on my nerves but I know my feelings of anger and frustration with her are more signs of relapse and emotional crash. Her and I sometimes think different about cleaning and stuff and when she smacks her lips in frustration, or rolls her eyes, or gets upset about something I internalize it and it crushes me, I want to escape. It has to do with how I feel about myself already, just re enforces all of those feelings. There are times when I think I should be alone but I do care about her. Oh, the madness of this illness, So confusing. So, lots going on as usual but I am clean and sober 31 days and doing my best to deal with myself and my life, all I can do I guess, Right ?
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