Living on the Border !!!
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Entry 1 of 338
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3/27/2008
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5 month limit or I go nuts.
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Many Borderlines want to be with someone at all times, I am not exactly like that or at least I am not sure of how I feel about it. When I am single I seem to yearn for that special someone to be with, to hold me and love me and give me that special feeling inside. When I am with a person for a while though I feel engulfed and like it is boring and normal, the excitement and passion is gone and I want to be alone. I often find myself wondering why people get in relationships, what is it about being with someone else that makes them give up a part of who they are. More than that is why do they feel the need to be with anyone at all ? I care for my woman and see great qualities in her and if she were to leave me I would be devastated but sometimes I ask myself why I am in a relationship with another when I cannot even relate and connect to myself . How can I give myself to someone else that is not really me, a self that I am not sure really exists. At least I do not know who I am so how could I give that blankness to another person ? I like to be alone alone but need someone else as well, someone to do things for me and care for me and so I do not feel totally empty and alone. It is like the person who is trying to diet and they say I wanna eat a pint of Ice cream but do not want to get fat. I want to be with someone and enjoy the passion and love of a close relationship but do not want to give up my freedom and independence. I feel the same way now that I have felt with every relationship after five months or more, I want to be in a close friendship with the person but my perception of the relationship changes. I do not feel the love and passion like I did in the beginning, I need something new and fresh. I feel lost without that new and exciting thing. I have hurt many girls this way and fear I may do it once again. So hard to live life this way, never knowing what you want, who you are, or anything and not only does it impact me but everyone around me . |
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