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Entry 1 of 336
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3/28/2008
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Last night's post.
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Feel sick right now with some sort flu but wanted to write something to post on my blog, Today is OK. I did not have any major outbursts or anything like that but my moods continue to fluctuate and it can get kind of nerve racking . Any type of disturbance at all can send me off the deep end, when people tell me No or put any type of criticism upon me at all then I take it to heart and even if I do not show it at the time eventually I personalize it and it crushes me. I just am tired, I am tired of trying to feel OK, To stay clean and sober, to please everyone, to be the perfect friend, husband, whatever.. I am tired of dealing with Me on a daily basis. I just wanna sleep and not deal with any of it. It has never been easy for me, when I was 10 it wasn't and now it for sure is not easy although I feel like I am 10 still, when I ask for something in life I am saying to myself the whole time, please say yes, please ?? I feel like everyone else controls my life, people decide what I can and cannot have. The government decides whether or not they want to keep paying me, friends and my wife decide where we go, when we go there, and what we do, I am so dependent on others for my happiness, maybe that is the problem, I cannot make myself happy. This was going to be a short and sweet post but I just fell into the hole of self pity. I am listening to a song right now called Take me away, I wish just that, someone would take me away from me and free me from what I feel, think, and am. It all is too much and it is never enough at the same time. I wonder if I am just a whiner or is all that I go through just too much for anyone to handle ? I am Borderline, bipolar, OCD, etc, etc, etc with no treatment at all, I am an addict in early recovery who never has been sober more than two months. , I just lost my son , I struggle financially, I feel constantly disappointed in myself and yet I am trying to pull through.. I guess that is a lot ?? I just petted my puppy and that felt good, he did not reject me. He did not say No, yell at me, tell me that I am not good enough, or I am messy, lazy, or any of the other things people tell me. I guess I will wrap up the pity party and do something else, maybe it is true that when you feel sick then it affects your mood or maybe I just always feel like crap. Who knows !
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