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3/28/2008
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Then and now.
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Today I still feel sick, sore throat and just icky but I got up and played with my puppy Toby for awhile then left to go to the youth hostel as they have wireless access there, would be so much better to have Internet at home so then I could be home with Toby and not have to deal with the world. I am sitting home right now angry at my wife as she stays and talks to people for what seems like forever when I tell her I need to go home and lay down, she keeps on talking. See, nobody understands the Borderline. They do not understand that now means now and when we cannot get what we need at that moment then it is crisis time. I have learned from my illness that when I feel very bad emotionally ( and of course physically too) then I need to get away from people and stress and go and lay down , If I feel sick, stresses, or tired then I go into crisis mode and cannot function. I cannot do the things that others can and for many people that is hard to comprehend, they expect me to do the things that they can and not to complain when I am faced with a hard situation. There are some things that I was not able to do ( like type without looking at the keyboard ) but there are many that I will never be able to do and if people cannot accept that then I guess it is their problem and not mine. I am going to go to the hostel again soon and do some more stuff online and maybe call it an early night tonight. Being sick physically often can affect my emotional state and often does. Sometimes (more often than not ) I just want to be alone . People with BPD typically feel lost when they are all alone and sometimes I do but when I am alone then I can do what I want and do not have other people's actions determining how I feel, people do not tell me that I feel is not true or it is wrong. I care about my wife but of late I am annoyed with her and ready to just walk away . I have enough to deal with on my own , I do not need to always hear someone tell me, 'no dog on bed', wait for me' . do this, do that, etc, etc.. I do what I want, when I want. Being with someone who tells me what to do makes me who already does not know who I am further not know who I am, takes away all control.
By the time I had got here to the Internet to post the previous rant I had saved my feelings had changed at least three or four times, that is within less than two hours . I still feel the way I did but the immediate anger and emptiness comes and goes. This is such a temporary disease as each moment feels like an eternity but is rapidly fleeting. Sometimes I feel like a nut and I guess sometimes I am a nut. That simple really, another thing that happens is I often am unable to recall past events, It almost feels like it never happened in a sense.
I then talked with a friend who I volunteered with for many months here and it was good to get out of myself and do something normal, I may volunteer again part time there, It is at a place that helps street children. Going to eat some dinner now, trying to manage the moods. Such a tall task.
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